Okay, finally jumping into "the list." A brief disclaimer:
*Life is not a well-edited television series. As such, adventures in the list will not be delivered a la slick montages with a "Billboard's Top 100 Songs for Humans With Vaginas" soundtrack. The list is subject to a learning curve, is revised whenever needed and does not assume to be the most profound itemization of shit since the ten commandments (really, it's just a list). The list caters to MY particular brand of crazy (your particular brand of crazy sold separately).*
Another thing: the list was created to minimize my brand of crazy while raising the value of my Life Experiences 401K, and thus almost every item has a specific reason applicable to my life for going down on paper; anyone else's list would/could/should look totally different.
And always remember: What is insipid, boring or slutty to some is cathartic to others.
Good. Glad we're all clear on that. Honestly, I feel so close to you right now...
Since no one wants to read a 100-item+ post I'll put the list, as it stands, up in sections. The checking off of items goes up in individual posts.
As of today, numbers 1 through 25, in no specific order:
Things To Do Before You Marry, or The Hitch List:
(last updated on September 18, 2009)
1. Learn to comfortably fly solo.
2. Conquer lingering, irrational childhood fears (dark, fucking scary spiders, etc.).
3. Go on week long "Help Me" Detox--no asking for help from anyone, for anything. (This pertains to help carrying laundry from the laundromat, reaching items at the grocery store, holding subway doors, killing fucking scary spiders, etc., as well as to the obvious areas of financial, emotional and social assistance.)
4. Get lost in a major city alone. Find your way home.
5. Do something that scares the shit out of you.
6. Do something that scares the shit out of someone else.
7. Sleep in the WHOLE bed.
8. Go on an epic road trip. Must visit minimum of three places you've never heard of before Google mapping.
9. Start selfish, indulgent lifelong habit.
10. Get involved in doing ongoing good deeds for others.
13. Break up with the television, phone, Facebook and g-chat and live like an urban Emerson...temporarily.
15. Go on a date with someone who is not your "type."
18. Revisit an old fling.
21. Go on a 100% lesbian date.
24. Learn a new language. Must be able to order food, ask for directions, give a compliment and give instructions on how to make you orgasm in chosen language within 6 weeks of starting.
25. Learn from the "other woman."
26. Relocate somewhere you've never lived and don't know anyone.
27. Create "Ethnic Sexcapades" Bingo Card (Italian, Irish, Puerto Rican, African American, Japanese, etc.). Compete with friends for first "Bingo." (Winner gets bragging rights and a free trip to the STD clinic.)
28. Take a midnight train going anywhere.
29. Someone older.
30. Someone younger.
32. Get wasted and party with someone famous.
33. Smash out with someone famous (see 32 for assistance).
34. Play a player.
36. Visit the birthplace of your personal hero.
37. Read/view/listen to at least three of the books/films/albums your obnoxious ex recommended but you never touched (who knows, they may have been right aboutsomething).
38. Spend a day in someone elses' shoes...literally, swap locations, jobs, friends and lifestyles for a day and see what you learn.
39. Build something from scratch utilizing three tools you have no idea how to use.
40. Try something you would "never" do in bed.
41. Be the star of your own nude photo shoot and learn to love your naked self. (Pictures are for your eyes only.)
42. Start mixed martial arts and/or self defense classes.
43. Go on a vision quest with an experienced guide.
44. Travel somewhere exclusively for a famous local food item (must cross state lines). Philly cheese steaks, media noches in Cuba, Pad Thai in Thailand, etc.
45. Get arrested.
46. Experience a torrid, infatuated, complete relationship in one weekend (meet, flirt, fall in lust, screw, spend too much time together and breakup all over the course of a single weekend. Hard to do in small towns; happens all the time in NYC).
48. Experience parenthood temporarily with the assistance of friends/siblings/relatives who have small children.
49. Have a raucous ladies'/guys' night in a famous non-native party city.
50. Write own eulogy.
That's all for now. I'm pretty sure people some reading this (all three of you) will bristle at a few. But then again, if you're really looking for a guide to morality, perhaps you should try spending time with the upstanding compasses at Protectmarriage.com instead of on my blog of sin. Oh, and while you're there, be sure to visit their "Have You Thought About It" section for some of the best filmmaking judgementalism has to offer. Big laughs.
For the rest of you: what would go on your Hitch List? Over time, I'll be posting interesting list items from friends, lovers, strangers and readers, as well as their accompanying stories, so send all adventures and/or epic fails my way. If you're not quite ready to share with the world, please feel free to email me personally. I solemnly swear your experiences won't become public blog-fodder.