Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Going off with a Hitch (intentionally)

Okay, finally jumping into "the list." A brief disclaimer:

*Life is not a well-edited television series. As such, adventures in the list will not be delivered a la slick montages with a "Billboard's Top 100 Songs for Humans With Vaginas" soundtrack. The list is subject to a learning curve, is revised whenever needed and does not assume to be the most profound itemization of shit since the ten commandments (really, it's just a list). The list caters to MY particular brand of crazy (your particular brand of crazy sold separately).*

Another thing: the list was created to minimize my brand of crazy while raising the value of my Life Experiences 401K, and thus almost every item has a specific reason applicable to my life for going down on paper; anyone else's list would/could/should look totally different.

And always remember: What is insipid, boring or slutty to some is cathartic to others.

Good. Glad we're all clear on that. Honestly, I feel so close to you right now...

Since no one wants to read a 100-item+ post I'll put the list, as it stands, up in sections. The checking off of items goes up in individual posts.

As of today, numbers 1 through 25, in no specific order:

Things To Do Before You Marry, or The Hitch List:
(last updated on September 18, 2009)

1. Learn to comfortably fly solo.

2. Conquer lingering, irrational childhood fears (dark, fucking scary spiders, etc.).

3. Go on week long "Help Me" Detox--no asking for help from anyone, for anything. (This pertains to help carrying laundry from the laundromat, reaching items at the grocery store, holding subway doors, killing fucking scary spiders, etc., as well as to the obvious areas of financial, emotional and social assistance.)

4. Get lost in a major city alone. Find your way home.

5. Do something that scares the shit out of you.

6. Do something that scares the shit out of someone else.

7. Sleep in the WHOLE bed.

8. Go on an epic road trip. Must visit minimum of three places you've never heard of before Google mapping.

9. Start selfish, indulgent lifelong habit.

10. Get involved in doing ongoing good deeds for others.

13. Break up with the television, phone, Facebook and g-chat and live like an urban Emerson...temporarily.

15. Go on a date with someone who is not your "type."

16. Tattoo.

18. Revisit an old fling.

21. Go on a 100% lesbian date.

22. Skydive.

24. Learn a new language. Must be able to order food, ask for directions, give a compliment and give instructions on how to make you orgasm in chosen language within 6 weeks of starting.

25. Learn from the "other woman."

26. Relocate somewhere you've never lived and don't know anyone.

27. Create "Ethnic Sexcapades" Bingo Card (Italian, Irish, Puerto Rican, African American, Japanese, etc.). Compete with friends for first "Bingo." (Winner gets bragging rights and a free trip to the STD clinic.)

28. Take a midnight train going anywhere.

29. Someone older.

30. Someone younger.

32. Get wasted and party with someone famous.

33. Smash out with someone famous (see 32 for assistance).

34. Play a player.

35. Threesum?

36. Visit the birthplace of your personal hero.

37. Read/view/listen to at least three of the books/films/albums your obnoxious ex recommended but you never touched (who knows, they may have been right aboutsomething).

38. Spend a day in someone elses' shoes...literally, swap locations, jobs, friends and lifestyles for a day and see what you learn.

39. Build something from scratch utilizing three tools you have no idea how to use.

40. Try something you would "never" do in bed.

41. Be the star of your own nude photo shoot and learn to love your naked self. (Pictures are for your eyes only.)

42. Start mixed martial arts and/or self defense classes.

43. Go on a vision quest with an experienced guide.

44. Travel somewhere exclusively for a famous local food item (must cross state lines). Philly cheese steaks, media noches in Cuba, Pad Thai in Thailand, etc.

45. Get arrested.

46. Experience a torrid, infatuated, complete relationship in one weekend (meet, flirt, fall in lust, screw, spend too much time together and breakup all over the course of a single weekend. Hard to do in small towns; happens all the time in NYC).

48. Experience parenthood temporarily with the assistance of friends/siblings/relatives who have small children.

49. Have a raucous ladies'/guys' night in a famous non-native party city.

50. Write own eulogy.

That's all for now. I'm pretty sure people some reading this (all three of you) will bristle at a few. But then again, if you're really looking for a guide to morality, perhaps you should try spending time with the upstanding compasses at Protectmarriage.com instead of on my blog of sin. Oh, and while you're there, be sure to visit their "Have You Thought About It" section for some of the best filmmaking judgementalism has to offer. Big laughs.

For the rest of you: what would go on your Hitch List? Over time, I'll be posting interesting list items from friends, lovers, strangers and readers, as well as their accompanying stories, so send all adventures and/or epic fails my way. If you're not quite ready to share with the world, please feel free to email me personally. I solemnly swear your experiences won't become public blog-fodder.


Bridget said...

sounds like fun. def gonna try a few of them :)

mylittlebecky said...

i need a list! i like yours :)

ps hello!

Anonymous said...

i absolutely do bristle at #25. having been the "woman" (as opposed to the "other woman") there is absolutely nothing that justifies helping someone cheat. especially if that is specifically your mission. it is incredibly hurtful and painful. please consider what incredible pain you may be inflicting upon an innocent woman before you actually go through with #25.

Anonymous said...

I don't see what the horrible anti-gay video on that site that you referenced has to do with #25. I absolutely think that gay marriage should be legal, however I do not think that promoting cheating is a good idea. I fail to see the correlation between those 2 concepts.

HarvardHoney06 said...

Does it count if you do more than one at a time, or are you going for 100 individual experiences? I just want to know the rules before I play along (although I have quite the head start on you!)...

Erin said...

I definitely need to culivate a selfish, life-long habit. Hmm....

Anonymous said...


The anti-gay marriage video from protect marriage? It's called sarcasm. I don't think it's to be taken seriously.

Anonymous said...

Let me add to the previous anon...having been the "other woman", ugh, god, there's no reason to torture yourself like that. Aside from not ruining someone else's life, don't put yourself through that head trip.

Nos 15, 16, 17 and 24, however? AWESOME ideas.

Sebastian said...

I can get into a cheap, meaningless relationship with some girl, if it'll help you be the 'Other Woman'?


OK, fine, maybe we need to get to know each other better first.

Good list. Nothing too out-of-the-norm for such Bucket Lists!

Polly Syllabick said...

HarvardHoney - you can totally check off more than one at a time. In fact,the more you check off in one fell swoop, the more you're fulfilling the purpose of the list.

Chef Green said...

Oh the shame! This is grand. I'm now hooked and will follow you. In a totally creepy way. LOL

Allison said...

I don't think there's anything wrong with sin and debauchery as long as it's with 2 consenting adults.

But when you cheat, you're not just affecting another consenting adult and yourself. You're affecting the unconsenting adult ("the woman") and that's beyond immoral. I don't know how you would be able to live with yourself. How would you feel if Alex had cheated on you because it was on some list? I'm all for crazy sex positions but cheating is beyond immoral - it's mean.

Polly Syllabick said...

Allison: valid.

It should be noted that just because something is on a list doesn't mean you'll DO it.

Sometimes I put something on the grocery list, get to Whole Foods, and then go, "Fuck you, Capitalist food-pigs, I'm not paying $34 for balsamic vinegar."

Or I put cheesecake on the list, take one look at the nutritional info on the back and immediately retreat to the produce section.

Sometimes you write things down just to mull them over in your head.

Anonymous said...

What's to mull over in cheating?

My curiosity forces me to ask: In what instance is it appropriate that you willinging get between two people knowing full-well that they are in a relationshiop? Unless, of course, you meant something else by "the other woman."

Even if you don't DO #25, it's still a bit our of place on the list, don't you think? Plus, shopping and changing your mind is hardly analogous to cheating.

Hitch said...

Having never experienced #25 from either side of the fence my opinion may be absolutely worthless...but...I will continue

I don't think the "other woman" ever goes into a relationship with a man hoping to be the "other woman". Usually they are led to believe they are the only woman, and are eventually told (or in some cases never told) about the "first woman".

So...have your way with #25. If it doesn't work out...well...you're probably not missing much. I won't hold this one against you :)