Saturday, September 12, 2009

Warning Labels for Dudes



There's a boy on his way to my apartment for our first date right now, and I've got the jitters. Which is ridiculous, because I already dated this guy for half a decade (before getting cold feet, having a quarter-life crisis and moving out, but I digress...), and know his issues. His warning labels, and mine, are clearly displayed and readable; both of us know exactly what we're dealing with.

This got me thinking about how much easier and less painful modern mating would be if all people, like bottles of benzodiazepines or fancy electronics, showed up with their warning labels exposed.

And so, a preliminary list of labels which would have come in handy (to me) over the past several months here in Brooklyn. I encourage you to add to this list. (And guys, don't worry, I haven't even gotten started on the disclaimers girls need to come with...but I will.)

*EDITORS NOTE: The guy I'm going on the date with is not guilty of any of those WARNINGS. The guys I've dated since we broke up ARE. Hence the, "Hey, maybe you weren't so bad" moment which brings us to the second-first-date.*

WARNING: THIS GUY....

...Does not trim his junk.

...May cause drowsiness.

...Is for External Use Only.

...Should not be taken with alcohol.

...Should only be taken with alcohol.

...Will flake out as soon as he meets someone prettier but text you to keep your hopes up.

...Needs a skycap for all his baggage.

...Acts like your boyfriend, then freaks the fuck out at the first sign you like him.

...Sings that song he "wrote for you" to EVERY girl.

...Should not be taken orally.

...Will passive-aggressively attack you in his Facebook "25 Things About Me" List.

...Wears smaller jeans than you do.

...Will talk really loudly about art and music so everyone nearby hears how "with it" he is.

...Will make you pay the bill. Every time.

...Becomes disinterested if you cannot ID what movie/album/poet/cartoon/'zine/graphic novel he's quoting.

...Has cool-looking hair because it hasn't been washed in three freaking weeks.

...Is gay and doesn't know it.

...Is gay and hopes no one else knows it.

...Wishes he was gay, but isn't.

...Listens to Nickelback.

...Collects other peoples' girlfriends.

...Honestly doesn't know what the supercool Kanji symbols tattooed on his ribcage mean.

...Preaches about Buddhism. Does not practice it.

...Will only be interested if he thinks you aren't interested, especially if you really AREN'T interested.

...Cannot actually play that guitar in the corner.

...Will secretly hate your gay friends.

...Will try and fuck your girl friends.

...Will never be cool enough for any of your guy friends.

...Is still actively involved with his college fraternity...at age 33.

...Is a vegan.

...Has "never felt this way before" about 100 times before.

...Has trendy Ikea furniture which will fuck up your last chiropractic appointment.

...Collects vinyl but does not own a record player.

...Has unacceptable aversion to going down on girls.

...IS STRAIGHT-EDGED.

...Lives off his parents but is still a shitty tipper.

...Leaves skid-marks.

...Will wear that trendy fucking scarf even when it's 90 degrees outside.

...Smashes out with his socks on.

...Does not know where the clitoris is.

...Does not know WHAT a clitoris is.

...Uses that "I'm so mature" Hemingway beard to hide all the bullshit he should have grown out of by now.

...Will Twitter about sex with you.

...Is using his faux-hawk to hide how much hair he's lost already.

...Will use that expensive liberal arts education to write a publishable dissertation on why you should let him fuck you without a condom.

...is in a shitty band sucks. No, seriously, it REALLY SUCKS.

(And, of course, the obligatory: DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY WHILE RIDING THIS GUY.)


On that note.....I'm going on the date. PS, my dress says "Warning: Will blog about this date."


8 comments:

Mr. Condescending said...

I wanna hear what happens!

inflammatory writ said...

I am waiting with baited breath!

Natalie said...

I'm going to need a full paper on how this date goes!

Confessions Of My Confusion said...

Good to see you write. I hope you enjoyed your date. Hilarious post!

I did get nervous at the idea of you 'dating' an ex. I get nervous of that idea for myself, for my roommate, for anyone around me. I guess my thinking is... it ended once for a reason, so to pick back up... is damn-near impossible! You are quick to see the happy reasons you were together... its the shit at the end, the breaking points... those are hard to remember. Unless both people walk in completely prepared to change for the better, I tend to doubt things could work in those cases.

Good luck to you in any case dear!

David said...

Seriously, you are STILL going to go out with a guy like that? WHY!?

I would think just a 1 or 2 of those things would be enough for any girl to stay clear of him!

Regardless, loved your post. :)

Linda said...

LOVING this post.
Oh the things we all want to know about the other person.

Hope the date went well.

maragannon said...

Vegan, Straight-edge, Aversion to going down on a girl, Needs a skycap for baggage, Wears smaller jeans than you do, Secretly hates your gay friends, Not cool enough for my guy friends, and In a shitty band. Man oh man, how I wish I'd read that 6 years ago....

miss moose said...

Haha, soo funny! I know Im lucky to be with my boy, but this list makes me realise just HOW lucky!

Good luck on your date :)