Sunday, February 28, 2010

Father Knows Best: Reason My Dad F*CKING ROCKS #147





As Margaret More Roper once said of her father, Sir Thomas More: "My dad fucking rocks." (Actually, I think the exact quote was, "Excuse me, sir, can I buy my old man's head back? Our fam's in a real pickle." 


And if you don't know why that joke is effing hilarious, you really need to catch up on your 16th century Reformation-era history. But I digress...)  


The point: Like Sir Thom, my father rocks. 


A few examples:

#76: He slow-braises beef short ribs for hours in savory demi-glaze, spoons them over homemade garlic mashed potatoes, freezes them, then sends divine meat-packages into the city so my friends and I can have home-cooked meals even when we can't come home.

#15: He prefers weed to alcohol and, at 56, can still roll the most immaculate joint you've ever seen in under two minutes.

#112: He's 6'2", 240 lbs. and weeps openly every time he sees a father walk his little girl down the aisle at a wedding.

#147: The card I'm about to detail for you in this post.

A quick primer: 


Having successfully survived the part of raising girls which includes living under the same (small) roof with two hormonal teenaged time-bombs, a perimenopausal wife and a deaf female rat-terrier with OCD, Dad's paternal instincts are as immaculately honed as Charlie Sheen's coke insufflation technique. With his nest now empty, he keeps his skills sharp in a variety of ways, including (but not limited to) playing surrogate father to the myriad vagabond bohemians I call friends. 


A few weeks ago, said ring of vagabond bohemians continued its decade-long tradition of inbreeding when one male member and one female member started hooking up on the regular. (This happens frequently. Though I'm assuming it'll be happening less, since we're running out of members who haven't, at minimum, gone down on one another...but again I digress.) The male then did something even he openly admits was stupid and hurtful, wounding the female badly enough that she told him to go fuck himself.  


When Dad called a few days later he asked after his surrogate children. I gently explained the falling out of Male and Female (both of whom he loves and will love no matter what stupid thing they do) and mentioned Female was feeling jaded by the whole encounter. 


Shortly thereafter, Female received a handwritten note from my father in the mail. 


The front of the card has a picture of a dog hanging out a car window with the Madame de Stael quote "The more I see of man, the more I like dogs" underneath. The inside reads thusly:


Dearest Ms. [Female's Name Withheld Because Blogging is Bad for Incestuous Social Circles],

I'm sure you get the sentiment of this card...especially when you are dealing with "young boys"...they oft think like "young children."

Sometimes I wish I could have redone some of the things I did when I thought like a young manboy...and, of course, [insert name of Male who wounded Female here] is incapable of being as perfect as I was in my youth. But that's still no excuse for him being a dumb ass.

It's okay...be mad...be pissed...think revenge...then move on.

You have so much to give...so much personality to be able to handle this...so much that makes you the catch you will be for the right person when you are ready...and so much life to go. Don't fret--know you are loved by family and friends...when you are sad so are we, so move on to a better place...and better guy.

With love,
Papa and Mama Syllabick

PS: "Love" doesn't mean a six pack stomach and rippling tushy muscles...if that were true, then why has Mama stayed with me so long? It's more important to feel love in your heart and mind.

And if that fails, go for the money. 



That, gentlemen, is how you raise daughters.


That, ladies, is a piece of text we should all be reading like scripture. 


And that, everyone, is reason #147 my dad fucking rocks. 
  

14 comments:

Summer Fades said...

...Amen.

My dad just left me a very sweet voicemail with the whole "I'm so proud of you," speech. I love it when those, and notes, come out of the woodworks.

They really do make everything seem a little better.

Hope you're doing okay -

inflammatory writ said...

Your dad is pretty awesome. I frequently get jealous of people with awesome dads.

He's right about the six pack and tushy muscles. :)

Apryl said...

#76 had me drooling,

and the card, made me miss my dad so much. I wish he was still with me so bad, because he too, in all his Dr. Suessian dysfunction was pretty badass.

You are a lucky gal.

Apryl said...

PS hop over to my Blog, I nominated you for an award!

http://aprylsmindshowers.blogspot.com/

Daynya said...

amazing. what an amazing man. you and your family are very lucky. hopefully that made female feel awesome. she should keep that card forever. frame it. :)

Hannah Miet said...

Your dad absolutely fucking rocks.

That note is...

perfect.

There's not another word.

friend said...

Your Dad is amazing and aware and accepting. You, your family, your friends...all blessed.
peace :)

Hipstercrite said...

Your Dad sounds amazing. I really want beef tips now. Can he send me some too?

Elle said...

I, too, love your dad. THAT is awesome!

Polly said...

He's not a lecherous dude, but I'm sure it would warm dad's heart to know all these beautiful women are singing his praises. Love ya'll!

Red said...

I love that man. I will always love him. The beautiful thing about their home is that you will never, I repeat NEVER, feel like you aren't welcome. You might stop by for a quick hello and to drop something off to them- guess what? You're there for 3 hours talking while Papa makes you a brilliant set of pancakes with REAL maple syrup and pours, somehow, the best milk you've ever tasted. Polly's parents are some of the most wonderful people I've ever met and I am thrilled that they are a part of my family. If you ever get the immense pleasure of hanging out with them then you'll be in their family, too. Correction: OUR family. <3

Amy Lewis said...

Yes.

I was just speaking yesterday to someone of the consistent (and yet still somehow surprising) awesomeness that is your parents.

I think he was suitably impressed with them by the end of the conversation. :)

smassmusic said...

I wholly agree with all of the "Kim's dad rocks" sentiments posted above. But feel the need to emphasize the following:

1) Anyone who takes the time to express their care, concern and love through pen, paper and the USPS is an admirable human being.

2) Perhaps your dad is being modest by using himself as proof that six packs and tushy muscles don't spell L-U-V, but let's be honest: The guy's a total piece! First time I saw him walk into the office, I had no idea who he was and was like, "Uh, who's THAT!?"

p.s. this is Smith. now it can be told...

smassmusic said...

I wholly agree with all of the "Kim's dad rocks" sentiments posted above. But feel the need to emphasize the following:

1) Anyone who takes the time to express their care, concern and love through pen, paper and the USPS is an admirable human being.

2) Perhaps your dad is being modest by using himself as proof that six packs and tushy muscles don't spell L-U-V, but let's be honest: The guy's a total piece! First time I saw him walk into the office, I had no idea who he was and was like, "Uh, who's THAT!?"

p.s. this is Smith. now it can be told...