Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Sugar Daddy: Sweet, or Just Sticky?

“Gurrrl, you on your own? You gotta try a Sugar Daddy on for size, for rrreal.” Then he dragged extra hard on a Marlboro know, for emphasis.

The Sugar Daddy Advocate was one of my new favorite archetypes, the Gay-Ghetto-Hipster, a mix of ‘hood attitude, BBW comedic line deliveries, neon American Apparel accessories and Alize. (No, I’m not being racist, he was really drinking Alize. The yellow kind.)

We were on the outdoor porch of a Bushburg (translation: the grundle of Brooklyn, a no-man's-land between the cock of Williamsburg and the anus of Bushwick) bar when he overheard a discussion I was having with one of my wingmen about leaving Alex, the desire to shake up my routine with some wild shit and the need for experiences which fall outside the boundaries of traditional monogamy. I was also bitching about how I couldn't afford shoes and was spending my days in seasonally-retarded suede boots as a result, which may be why Sugar Daddy Advocate (henceforth known as “Sugar”) bailed on the bizarrely mustachioed hipster hitting on him (seriously, what is with the mustaches? Has the Magnum PI look really worked for anyone besides Tom Selleck? I’m asking this seriously, responses welcome) and proceeded to give a drunk dissertation on:

  • why my fleeing to the ‘hoods of Brooklyn made me a “fierce bitch” and not just a bitch
  • why my need to leave was the result of a codependency overdose (totally accurate…more on that later)
  • why I needed a Sugar Daddy

One hundred years of women's rights activism and 25 years of self-respect aside, the idea of a Sugar Daddy isn't awful. In fact, it's kind of awesome: You get worshipped as a sex goddess and showered with gifts, including body treatments which keep you looking like a sex goddess (waxing, mani/pedi), meals, seasonally appropriate footwear and the occasional coverage of rent, utilities, etc. The downside is sexual acts with someone who might repulse you (but if you get, say, a Richard Gere or Andy Garcia type, then burn your Hitch List and marry him) and the occasional feeling you're a whore for money (because, well, you are).

According to Sugar, there's real life lessons to be learned by "Daddying." His theory suggests that being the "baby" enrolls you in a crash course on how to separate sex from love-making, while giving you an open forum to play any sexual role you've ever wanted but haven’t for fear of opening Pandora’s Box (ha, box) with a real potential mate. Aggressive power-bitch by day? Find a dominating daddy and go submissive. Total pushover? Strap on those PBC stilettos and track down a Wall Street blowhard looking to get walked over.

Sugar, an experienced Baby, also stressed (he was slurring his words, but lets not allow that to discredit his thesis entirely) that the arrangement puts you in a position of power, one where you can learn hands-on how to manipulate and not be manipulated--a valuable life skill, especially for cynics.

I'm not sure how appealing or true any of that is outside of drunken conversation on a Bushburg porch, but I'm intrigued.

Also, this is depression-era New York and I'm strangely (read: alarmingly) comfortable with the idea of being a whore for money from time to time.

The Hitch List was created to foster independence and kill codependency; relying on a Poppa to pay your way is probably the antithesis of standing on your own two feet.

At any rate, sugar-babying is now up for debate as a Hitch List item, because who am I to doubt the advice of a Gay Ghetto Hipster without a little analysis first?

PS: Has anyone out there ever BEEN a "Sugar Baby?" Or a Daddy for that matter? And how do these pairings even meet? doesn't have a "I'll Fuck You If You Buy Me Those Dior Shoes" section, does it?


theweightofitall said...

Just catching up with your blog, but from the looks of it, you're my new hero. Wow. I got goosebumps thinking of my own list - I just left an almost 3 year relationship to follow a different path and...Well, I've been struggling to say the least.

Thanks for the inspiration! Looking forward to figuring out my own Hitch List and seeing you check off yours!

Martina said...

I've been in what I like to refer to as "the arrangement". I would get stuff (dinner, clothing, place to stay) and in return I had really hot sex.

You know how your girlfriends know that guy who is good looking but a complete asshole? Never commits to anyone, treats girls like objects?
Those are the boys to target.

They don't even need to be old or unattractive. Just have lots of money. You just need to remember not to get attached. It's the ultimate test of not being codependent.

Polly Syllabick said...


"It's the ultimate test of not being codependent."

Never thought of it that way, but that makes sense. Also always assumed that Babying meant you were more likely to smash a 2 with an ex-wife than a 10 with commitment issues.

I salute you. And, after reading your blog, am wishing you many more wild adventures with your hubby.

Chef Green said...

Do it!
I tried being a sugar-baby one time, but all the guy tried to give me was mountains of cocaine! NO! WRONG luxury item.

....All I wanted was some clothes! lmao. See, sometimes things go horribly awry in the gay world haha.

Good luck finding your Daddy! LOL:)

Polly Syllabick said...

Couldn't you theoretically have traded the cocaine for money and then bought the clothes?

Just a know, future reference and all.

katiedotcom said...

I was an M and M for Halloween when I was 14.

The end.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Condescending said...

I wanna find a sugar mama!

Lora said...

I NEED to know what is up with the gay ghetto hipsters.

I work in social services, with parents. You have no idea how many ghetto moms want to know what's up with their tightpantsed cornrowed sissytalkin boys.

what is up indeed?

Cee said...

As a former Sugar Baby, I can say it's not all it's cracked up to be.

I guess it depends on your personality.

My 'relationship' with my former Sugar Daddy didn't really start out like that. We met, and we were around each other a lot, and for awhile we actually had a real thing going.

I wouldn't let him buy me ridiculous stuff at that time because it was just awkward for me.

Then I decided that the sexual part of our relationship just wasn't working, and we continued to be friends. We were like BEST friends. We talked on the phone every night, went out to dinners. We were kind of like a couple, but not a couple, and that's when all the stuff came: diamond earrings, necklaces, designer bags, the works.

After awhile thought it just got too weird for me. It's like we weren't together, we weren't having sex, but he was getting jealous of other guys like we were and it kind of freaked me out. All of a sudden he'd get upset if I was going somewhere with a guy, and that is what really threw me off.

I think for awhile we were codependent on each other... and it was weird because I didn't want to end our friendship, but I wanted to end the weirdness.