Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Don't Blame Me, Blame the Herpes



I'm a terrible person. Like a suave, metrosexual player I drew you in, promising the world (blog entries), raising waxed brows with pleasure as you supported me (read my blog entries), and then *POOF,* I was gone, without even a text or goodbye (or blog entries). But wait, it’s not like that, baby. I love you. And I’ve got a suave, metrosexual player excuse for going MIA on you: Herpes.


Okay, not exactly herpes. But for a hot (burning, tingling) second I was thought it was.


Don’t worry, this isn’t going to devolve into some TMI “girls gone gyno” nightmare entry. All the problems were above the belt....above the mouth even. Allow me to explain.


DAY ONE:

Woke up with wicked case of why-the-fuck-does-my-nose-hurt-syndrome, known in scholarly circles as WTFDMNHS. A superficial (me, mirror, overhead lighting) scan of the area in question revealed nothing out of the ordinary save for giant pores (damn you, Mom) and that bump on the bridge of my nose which makes me look like the old Ashley Simpson (damn you again, Mom)...problems, but not outright causes of WTFDMNHS.


I spackled the face, took two Advil for the pain and a Benedryl for the itching and headed, groggy, to work.

I also made sure to poke at Ground Zero with my index finger like a complete and utter child for the rest of the day. (“Does this still hurt? FUCK, yes.” “How about now? FUUUUCK, yes.” “Okay, what about

now?”) Night came, went to sleep.


DAY TWO:

Dawn. Woke to throbbing pain in right nostril. Slight fever, aches, headache. Second superficial mirror scan revealed swelling, redness and what can only be described as...leaking. Like an old hooptie at a junkyard, I was leaking something from the nose, something the color of which indicated it should never leak from any nose, despite the leaky nature of noses.


* Full disclosure: I’ve got a chronic illness which weakens my immune system and causes various problems. It’s not HIV/AIDS, but in the Lupus/MS family, so I do have to be as careful as those patients about dealing with infections early or they can get out of control.*


Point is, I’ve encountered enough immune freak shows to know a staph infection when I see one. And I saw one, UP my goddamned faucet nose.


Having just moved to NYC, leaving my family doctor behind, I called my insurance provider, found a doc in the area they’d cover and headed in to nab some antibiotics before I started looking like the Elephant Man.


Here’s where The Herp comes in.


After waiting in a midtown office for over an hour, the doc called me in. I opened my mouth to say, “Hey, I’ve got ____, get staph infections all the time, this one’s in the nose, how about some Cipro, medicine man?” He strolled over, looked up the nose and said those words which send chills down the spines of everyone with a set of genitals.


“You have herpes.”


Um....nose herpes? Wait, WHAT?!?!


“Are you sure, sir? I don’t want to offend you but I’ve had a lot of---”


“It’s herpes.” A script for Valtrex and Zovirax cream appeared and I was bustled out the door.


“But wait, what about the fever? And the LEAKING? Can you give me anythi--”


“NEXT!” said the nurse.


Um, fuck my life.


DAY THREE:

Didn’t make it to dawn. At 3am, nose throbbing, dizzy and nauseous, I returned to the mirror. Something resembling a crystallized snowflake from Hell was now living in the nose.


Oh God, I’M A MUTANT!!


I made eye contact with my mutant self, fully expecting to see the beginning of my no doubt Kafka-like transformation into a dung beetle, and was met by two bright pink eyes. MY two bright pink eyes.


OH MY GOD, I AM TRANSFORMING INTO A LEAKING, RED-EYED HELL SPAWN!


By noon I was back with that doctor. I showed him the pink, crusty eyes. I pointed to the chrysalis residing in the nose. I told him I felt like someone beat me with a stick.


“STAPH!” I said.


“HERPES!” he said. “Keep using the cream.”


CUT TO DAY FIVE:

After following doctor’s orders, I look like THIS GUY.


(Note: picture that guy dragging ass to work everyday in a pair of leggings, an over sized tunic and a series of face-hiding hats and Jackie O sunglasses.)


It’s now Friday. The itching, burning and leaking has increased daily. I haven’t slept in days. I lay awake at night in tears with packages of frozen peas and carrots on my face to numb the seared piece of fois gras it is fast and painfully becoming.


At dawn, I have the total meltdown. I call Alex, sobbing, for the first time in a long while, squeak and screech an incoherent explaination of my mutation into a Proboscis monkey, then beg him to pick me up at a train station in New Jersey to take me to my old doctor before the transformation is complete and I have to be shipped off to a zoo laboratory for study. Alex agrees, because he’s a merciful soul who knows I have no other way of getting there...and one with a morbid curiosity about what I must look like on the other end of that phone line.


Two hours later, I’m sitting in a family office in suburban New Jersey, worshipping the feet of the office manager who squeezed me in as the doctor’s final appointment before he left for vacation, and not flinching when she goes, “Jesus, you look like shit.” (Or a shit-slinging Proboscis monkey, maybe?)


FINALLY, Dr. Hottie McHotHot (aka, Dr. Anisko, truly one of the tri-state’s best, and truly one of the hottest older men I’ve ever had the pleasure to wear a paper examination gown in front of) is seated in front of me, brows furrowed as he peers into the now impassible netherworld that is my nose.


“The New York doctor says it’s herpes,” I sob.


“Well, dear, I’m not one to discredit other doctors, but I’ve never seen any case of herpes that looks like this.”


“What...w-what is it?” I’m milking the drama now, wanting to swoon into his strong, medical arms and have him revive me with smelling salts. I wish I had worn a corset and a bustled dress.


“It looks like a classic staph infection,” he delivers. “Which has spread into both eyes and the rest of your face because you need antibiotics. But it looks like we’re catching it right before it gets really ugly, so we’re lucky, aren’t we?”


Wait, wait........wait.


(insert long trail of hysterical expletives here)


SO. After some ass-kicking antibiotics, rest, pain killers, a ton of vitamins and more fluids than I’ve ever wanted to drink, I’m pretty much on the mend. I no longer look like a primate, just myself. I'm ready to get back to blogging. It takes me a long time to heal, so I may be slow and lame at first, but I promise to improve as soon as the staph exits the building.


In the meantime, you might want to avoid my the first doctor, Dr. Michael Aziz, to prevent a monkey-face like mine.


And if you’re looking for a check-up with a hot doc, nab a Jersey Transit ticket and head west for Dr. Andrew Anisko. Alex will pick you up at the station.


PS: Dear CIGNA Health Care providers, thanks for suggesting that first guy....and yes, I'm being sarcastic.

18 comments:

Duke Fandango said...

Thanks. Due to me laughing so much whilst drinking coffee and reading this post I now need a new keyboard.

Great work!

theweightofitall said...

Well...The monkey's cute for being a monkey. There are uglier animals you could have looked like, right?

Also, are you going to report that Doc in NYC? I mean, seriously, someone should be told that he's handing out Valtrax like it's fucking Halloween. And who has ever heard of Herpes in the nose? I mean, really? Quack. Seriously. You should contact someone and get that guy red flagged before he kills someone.

Glad you're on the mend; you're kind of my inspiration right now. Get well soon.

Natalie said...

I think what really needs to be thought here is...How would someone actually get herpes up the nose?

Did the doctor think you were extra kinky and like being poked in the nostral with random peens? Or perhaps that someone had actually shot a load up your nose?

ConfessionsOfMyConfusion said...

That royally sucks dear!!

He sucks like an ass. Some doctor's want to think they know everything. And the whole idead behind medical science is you have to read hints and find the best solution, it is never exact.

At any rate he sounds like a stupid fuck... and bravo to you for recognizing it and getting a second opinion and the medical attention you so desperately needed.

Hilarious telling of the misery as well! :)

Erin said...

This sounds so painful! I'm glad you're on the mend and dropping that hack doctor.

Lauren Modery said...

Oh man, I'm laughing my ass off. I got it into my head recently that I had AIDs even though there was no physical way I could have contracted it. The brain is a amazing organ.

Chef Green said...

Good Lord, woman. That's some serious junk

Anonymous said...

The thing is..... this person NEVER saw Dr. Aziz.....

Pearl said...

Dr. Anisko is not Board Certifed. The amazing thing here is that this so called Polly person never was a patient of Dr. Michael Aziz. Or she used another name. She must be unstable at the very minimum.

Someone Else's Opinion said...
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Anonymous said...
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JennyMac said...

This is crazy! Hope you are much better now.

Logan Knox said...

Mmm hot doctors. Always love those second opinions. Especially when the second opinion involves unherpafied full chest exhale. Thanks doc.

"EX" said...
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Polly Syllabick said...
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Polly Syllabick said...

PS: To the members of Dr. Aziz's staff who are STILL sending me harrassing emails and posting comment after comment here:

* Harrassing a patient and divulging their information on the internet is illegal. So you might want to stop that.

* By leaving really awful comments here, you're really only hurting yourself and proving my point that that office is a nightmare.

* WTF are you doing reading blogs by random girls during work hours? TREAT SOME GODDAMN patients. If the reason I had an hour and a half wait in your office is because you were busy reading 20-Nothings.com (which I recommend, PS), you maaaaaay want to reconsider careers.

Nickname unavailable said...

I am not a member of any doctor's staff, but for some reason, I happened upon your blog since I was doing some Internet research on herpes.
I want to say that I think there is definitley something wrong with you to post a defamatory comment about ANYONE.
You really must indeed be a nothing and a nobody to carry this grudge.

Cooper said...

I'd get this posted in the NYT, the suckier Post, if necessary, and any news channel that will listen. Believe me they are always looking for human interest stories, and you told the truth, did nothing wrong, don't take it down.